I asked Kyle permission to cut my hair. It’s been a while, I said, and I am already getting tired of keeping my long hair. He didn’t agree. So I made a bargain, as soon as  I get pregnant, I’ll shed inches of the long thick hair that people have identified me with – he assented.

That was last year. On April 13 (Maundy Thursday), I impulsively asked Kyle to take me to Katipunan – anywhere in Katipunan – to find an open Salon. My husband, shocked by my randomness calmly told me, “Walang bukas ngayon Cream”.  Surprisingly though, he did not contest my stubbornness when I insisted.. I thought to myself, “kahit saan pa yan, magpapagupit ako ngayon.” Thankfully, Bench Fix in U.P. Town Center was open and after deep sighs, I was able to  get what I wanted. I was able to cut my hair – even if I was NOT pregnant ( or so I thought).

Kyle and I started trying in May 2016, or six months after our marriage and right after I secured a spot in Tuguegarao’s 7th City Council. I downloaded a mobile application that tells me when I am fertile and tracks my period. I was so excited to carry my husband’s baby.

Every month since then, however, was a struggle. It came to a point when Kyle decided to delete the application as it started to contribute in the stress and pressure that we receive from friends, family and acquaintances.  Everyone wants a “Little Kyle” or “Little Marj” soon – and guess what, we wanted it too, BADLY.

There were months when I would cry the moment my period arrives. There were also those that gave false hopes – I got delayed a few days but to no avail. I have a very regular period, an accurate 28 day cycle. Hence, it was very easy to track pregnancy should there be one. But for 10 months, there was none.

I was a very busy person. I had to keep up with so many responsibilities as a wife, daughter, local legislator, lawyer, business owner, professor, NGO member and advocate. I was a frequent traveler, I fly in and out of Tuguegarao almost every week. I kept so many lives. Kyle was also a very committed litigator and hands on with business, among other things.

Many said, the kind of lifestyle that we have is a huge reason why we cannot conceive. Kyle stays in Manila, I am in Tuguegarao most of the time.

It hurt, however, when people thought having a baby was not in our priorities, that we are focusing on our individual careers and financial stability before completing our family.

They were wrong. Kyle and I are happy, we are very much content with what we have. We have stable jobs, we have started our businesses, we were also able to purchase properties and a home. Sure, we are not perfect and we are still in the process of making our marriage better, BUT WE ARE READY and we have been praying for a child.

The Lord had blessed Kyle and I so much. We are very grateful and thankful for His graciousness that despite the tears, disappointments, frustrations – we kept the faith. We believed that in His perfect time, we will be blessed with our Little one.

Truth be told, it was a very challenging 10 months. It’s true what they say, “iyong mga nag-iingat nabubuntis pero yung mga pinagplaplanuhan at gustong gusto na, nahihirapan.” 

April was a very busy month for me. Aside from the regular sessions and committee hearings, we conducted a youth caravan, I was guest speaker during the graduation rites of my alma matters, went on vacation with the family, and had a couple of activities.

But despite the physical burden, my heart was hopeful – I was a week delayed. I, however, was in Tuguegarao and I wanted to do a pregnancy test with Kyle by my side. I realized, I was going to accompany the Tuguegarao City FLIP Debaters who will be competing in the UP Fast Forward National Debate Competition that weekend anyway. So i said, it could wait.

The morning of 22 April 2017, I had the test and my heart leaped in joy when the 2 lines showed – Thank you Lord! I went out of the bathroom and quietly sat on Kyle’s bedside, I showed him the test. My husband, shocked, stared me in the eye and calmly asked, “Pregnant?” With a giddy smile, I said yes and we hugged tightly right after. BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!

 

Kyle and I decided to keep the news within our small circle of immediate family and friends until we’re able to confirm the viability. Ate Joelle was the first one to know, she is a doctor and Kyle’s sister-in-law. She shared in our joy and excitement, and prepared the request for the ultrasound.

I had my 1st ultrasound at the Medical City Regis Center. The test showed signs of pregnancy as I had a thickened decidualized endometrium.

We are so happy. After a long wait, we are pregnant.

That Saturday evening, however, I had minimal spotting so Kyle decided I take the plane instead of travelling by land again to Tuguegarao on Monday. Thankfully, the bleeding stopped on Sunday. Unfortunately, it reoccurred morning of my Monday flight and worsened upon my arrival in Tuguegarao.

With Mama, I decided to consult a doctor. I went to Dr. Maricel Palattao, she was recommended by my Tita Maritoni. Doc Palattao conducted another ultrasound which confirmed my pregnancy because the gestational sac already exists. She prescribed duphaston and folic acid with bed rest.

I did not attend session that Tuesday and yet, my bleeding worsened. Evening of April 25, I was admitted at the St. Paul Hospital. I had Isoxsuprine on IV. Since I was in very early pregnancy and bleeding, Doc Palattao was sure it was delicate. Doc also went through a process of ruling out an ectopic pregnancy. There was a time we even thought we are having twins since ultrasound shows that there were two (2) cystic structures on my right ovary (suggestive of corpus luteum).

I was discharged after four days but this time, Doc Palattao had strict orders. I have to be in COMPLETE BED REST WITHOUT BATHROOM PRIVILEGES. I will have to go back for a check up after a week.

I couldn’t believe what I heard, my lifestyle will have a 180 degree turn. While at the hospital, i did everything in bed except to poo. It was very uncomfortable and I have to do that again for another week, which also meant I cannot go to work and attend to my commitments. It started to stress me out – but for my precious, I willingly went through it.

On April 29, just a day after I got discharged. I started secreting huge amounts of blood again, especially when I pee. This time, Doc Palattao advised I take Duvadilan three (3) times a day. If it does not work, I will have to get confined again or have a personal nurse attend to me for an IV drip at home.

Thankfully, the oral medication was effective. My bleeding dramatically decreased. And on my May 6 check up, we had positive news. The baby was growing, we now have a well defined gestational sac with a yolk sac inside. The possibility of an ectopic or twin pregnancy is now completely ruled out.

Unfortunately, me and my precious are not yet out of the woods. The ultrasound showed that I have a huge subchorionic hemorrhage, even bigger than my placenta. Doc Palattao again prescribed complete bed rest for 2 weeks until our follow up ultrasound.

I was able to bargain permission to just appear in session the week after. I have been absent for 3 weeks straight and i have to officially explained my absence because I could be subjected to disciplinary actions.

The next two weeks were very trying. I was also emotionally drained. I cried almost everyday by my lonesome. I thought of all the things I have been missing and all the responsibilities I have been failing to fulfill. I didn’t know how long my situation would remain that way. There are a lot more on my calendar I will miss because of my condition. But I had to be strong, I was having a hard time. But for my precious, I tried my best.

Kyle has been nothing but perfect. He has been very understanding of my being emotional and mood swings. He also responded to my demands and cravings positively. And he painstakingly takes on a 12 hour drive to Tuguegarao every Friday night to be with me during weekends.

We both sacrificed a lot for our precious. We prayed and worked for this and we are determined to help him/her survive no matter what it takes.

My parents and family were also very supportive. In the past month that I have been literally bedridden, they have been nothing but supportive. They never pressured me and were very cool about it. I am so blessed to have a family like them, they made it easier for me to go through this experience.

Then came the morning of May 20, 2017. I woke up early to prepare for my follow up check up. Kyle arrived at 8:00AM and by 9:30AM, we were at Doc Palattao’s clinic.

Unlike the past ultrasound tests, Doc Palattao was silent. I too had an idea of what’s happening because I can no longer visibly see my precious’ gestational sac. It was almost gone and has started to disintegrate. At 8 weeks, I read from medical medicines and online articles that the baby should now have a form and a heart beat. My precious had neither.

After minutes of silence, Doc spoke. “Atty, hindi na siya naggrow. Wala siyang heartbeat.”

My heart crashed with the confirmation. My precious stopped growing at 6 weeks and 6 days, dapat 8 weeks and a few days na siya. I looked at Kyle. My husband calmly said, “okay lang”.  My mother was there too, silent, trying to control her tears.

Today, as I write this blog entry – the first I have ever written since #KMinfinity, I no longer have my precious with me. I was wide awake when he/she was scraped off my uterus last night. While mothers delivered their babies full term in the DR, i lost mine at 2 months.

I was completely numb from my waist down but not my heart. It was bleeding so hard for my precious who was about to be separated from me. I reached for my tummy and whispered. “Goodbye Baby, I love you. I am sorry”. 

I cried halfway through the procedure and while at the recovery room. I still cry now every time I remember my precious one whom I tried very much to help survive. I wanted to give him/her a fighting chance at life. Kyle and I did everything in our power to save our precious, but probably, it is not meant to be.

Doc says, the problem may be chromosomal which is the common cause for most miscarriages. Makapit naman siya because I had duphaston for a month and subchorionic hemorrhage had already resolved. This means that mukhang si baby ko ang may problema mismo and he/she cannot really survive, or if precious does, he/she may come out with an abnormality. Sabi nga ni Tita Maritoni, our body has what is called as the process of natural selection. Ilalabas niya ung hindi talaga pwede or kayang magsurvive.

Si baby na lang ang kulang sa buhay ko, sa buhay namin ni Kyle. Napakasakit. Hindi ko alam kung kailan o paano ko malalagpasan ang lungkot at pangungulila.

Pero hindi pa panahon, naniniwala ako, God has better plans. In His perfect time.

I have kept my real condition for a month but this time, I decided to write about it – for our Precious, for our little one’s memory.

So long Anak, maraming salamat binigyan mo ako ng pagkakataon maramdam maging Ina. You are our angel. I love you.